


i guess this is growing up

by somomos



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: 3racha are a Disaster, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Bassist Han Jisung | Han, Drummer Seo Changbin, Drunk Sex, Guitarist Bang Chan, Han Jisung | Han is a Gay Disaster, Implied Relationships, M/M, Miscommunication, Past Relationship(s), Polyamory, Recreational Drug Use, Seo Changbin is Bad at Feelings, Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll, Shameless Smut, Snowballing, it's about the yearning, poly 3racha, yoongi is too old for this shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:41:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25273348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somomos/pseuds/somomos
Summary: Of course it started with Chan. It always had and always will. It'll end with him as well; Changbin knows this the way he knows his thumb won't ever extend fully again. Implicitly and through experience.So Changbin sits at the back, on a platform, surrounded by his drums once again. It’s been months now and he still feels the same old rush. He's dripping with sweat, electricity flowing through his veins and his two best friends grinning at him. Jisung yells something incomprehensible before completely losing his shit, fingers flying over his bass neck. And Chan. Chan smiles wide and open; laughing, probably, before he joins in with Jisung, finding the right chords to play with ease. They feed off each other's energy like nothing has changed in over 10 years. All Changbin can see though are the two men on stage with him.--------or 3racha was at the top of their game before going into hiatus for 10 years. somehow they come back together to fall apart and then back together again.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 65





	1. but everybody's gone

**Author's Note:**

> it is my lifes mission to write band aus for almost all fandoms i ever write fic for so heres my band au for skz.

Of course it started with Chan. It always had and always will. It'll end with him as well; Changbin knows this the way he knows his thumb won't ever extend fully again. Implicitly and through experience.

So Changbin sits at the back, on a platform, surrounded by his drums once again. It’s been months now and he still feels the same old rush. He's dripping with sweat, electricity flowing through his veins and his two best friends grinning at him. Jisung yells something incomprehensible before completely losing his shit, fingers flying over his bass neck. And Chan. Chan smiles wide and open; laughing, probably, before he joins in with Jisung, finding the right chords to play with ease.

Changbin keeps up mirroring their pace and ferocity like he always had. They feed off each other's energy like nothing has changed in over 10 years. Changbin howls as his drumsticks crash on the cymbals. The crowd roars and shoes, bras, plushies, rain onto the stage. All Changbin can see though are the two men on stage with him.

Changbin stumbles off stage and into the green room after what felt like five minutes, but actually was an hour and a half of playing music. Chan slings his arm around Changbin's waist and smiles widely. He gives Changbin's waist a squeeze and leans into him, "Aw man, that was ace wasn't it? God they still love us! After we disappeared for 10 years they still love us!"

"Of course they do," Jisung yells, bursting into the room. He always yells a little louder after a gig. Changbin used to find it obnoxious. Now though it brings some comfort and familiarity. "We have the best fans."

Jisung flings himself onto the couch where Minho is waiting. He immediately forces Minho to hug him, while Minho struggles and yells about Jisung being stinky. Changbin resolutely Does Not Have Feelings about this. 

"You're both disgusting," he settles on. He starts to strip and towels himself down. He figures he can wait until he gets back to the bus to shower. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Minho give Jisung an exaggerated grimace and pushes some of the shaggy hair out of his face. He feels everyone watching him and it feels good to feel their attention on him again. How it should be. Chan pinches at his side and whistles. "God, Binnie, I always forget how shredded you got. Look at the pecs on you, mate."

Changbin half-heartedly swats his hands away from their journey to his chest. He pokes at Chan, knowing he’s ticklish.“What, like you’re not ripped yourself? You  _ still _ have abs. We’re in our 30s. The least you could do is lose the abs.”

Chan shakes his head and grabs Changbin’s wrists. The pair struggle a bit before Chan inevitably pulls Changbin into a hug and blows raspberries into his neck. For a moment the ache in Changbin's hands fade and they're kids again. But then Chan pulls away, laughing and goes to talk with Minho and Jisung in the corner. Changbin forces out something that should be considered a laugh before throwing on clean clothes.

Felix should be around, he thinks. He usually is; reliable almost to a fault. He's probably looking over gear, making sure they're set for the next stop and there's nothing going wrong with the instruments. If he's lucky, Felix might be restringing one of the many guitars or basses Jisung and Chan use. 

He finds Felix easily backstage. He's hauling one of the larger cases to the loading area. Changbin's always been impressed that even though Felix is so skinny, he manages to lift even the heaviest of gear with ease.

"Oh! Binnie, hey," Felix calls when he spots Changbin. "Great gig as always. Ya only broke one stick this time! I'm impressed, you're exercising restraint."

Changbin shakes his head and presses the thumb of his left hand into the palm of his right. It twitches. Felix glances at his hands and immediately turns to grab something in a bag by the growing pile of gear. He quickly strides over and shoves a small jar into Changbin's hands. "You really need to take better care of yourself, mate. If you're not careful--"

"I know," he snaps. He immediately regrets it when he spots the hurt in Felix's expression. "Sorry. On edge and still got the stage high going. I should probably go for a run or something."

"Or something." Felix grins slyly and nudges Changbin. He has to suppress a laugh at the way Felix wiggles his eyebrows. He focuses instead on rubbing some of the Tiger Balm on his fingers and massaging it in. Felix talks to the other roadies, triple checking everyone's lists. Changbin flexes his hands. They feel better. Felix is right, he really does need to start taking better care of his hands.

"Hey, wanna grab a drink?" Felix stands over him, big grin on his face. Changbin returns the smile, but shakes his head.

"Nah, I haven't showered and really should rest before the drive tomorrow." 

"I can keep you company still. If that stage high is still giving you trouble." Felix pulls on a jacket, giving Changbin the same look he always does before he knows Changbin is inevitably going to give in. This is how it’s gone for the past two-ish months they’ve been doing this. Changbin pretends to think about it before shrugging and saying, "Sure, that's fine I guess." 

They grab a ride back to the hotel and immediately head up to the rooms. The hotel door shuts with a clack and immediately Felix is on him. Changbin is pressed against the door and Felix groans into his mouth. 

It's nice to be so wanted, even if it's not by who he wants. 

Nights with Felix go one of two ways: Felix picks him up with surprising strength and fucks him deep and hard until Changbin swears he isn't breathing or Changbin shoves Felix into the bed, face first and goes fast, using up the last of his pent up adrenaline to get them both off.

Afterwards, whoever isn't staying in the room showers and leaves. There's a rule that Felix has about not cuddling longer than 15 minutes. He says it breeds too much emotional intimacy and since this is supposed to be just two friends and coworkers helping each other out, he thought it best they tried to minimize any sort of deeper affection. Changbin agreed, not saying as much as he finds Felix attractive, there's no danger of him falling for the roadie.

They're in Felix's room tonight, so after catching his breath, Changbin cleans up and leaves. They're all in the same hotel so Changbin can easily go straight back to his room. Instead he presses the elevator button for the ground floor and looks up the nearest convenience store. He needs a cigarette. 

The Seattle night is cold, even if it had been pleasantly warm earlier. Clouds are gathering and he thinks wryly that seems about right for their departure from a city he called home over a dozen years ago. He finds a curb not too far from the hotel and lights up. It's well past 2am and he faintly remembers that the nicotine will keep him up, but that's not something he's really worried about right now. His left hand is cramping. It'll likely continue to cramp all day tomorrow. Hopefully the anti-inflammatory meds and the tiger balm from Felix will patch him up enough to play the gig in two days. 

"Thought you gave that up years ago." Changbin looks to find Chan standing above him. He has a plastic bag with what looks like snacks and beer. He notices Changbin’s raised eyebrow and shrugs. "Late night snacks. Why're you moping and smoking like you're some angsty shounen protagonist?"

Chan sits down next to Changbin, so he puts out the cigarette. Chan's warmth radiates off him softly. Changbin lets himself lean into it. He schools his face into the obnoxious cutesy pout he knows both endears and annoys the fuck out of Chan. "But Channie hyung, isn't Binnie the dark drummer of 3racha? Shouldn't Binnie be angsty in the middle of the night?"

Chan bursts into laughter, "Shut the fuck up, you know I hate it when you do that."

He doesn't push Changbin away, like Changbin expected.

Instead Chan wraps an arm around him and pulls him closer. Changbin stiffens for a moment before letting himself melt into the familiar embrace. They sit for a bit in silence. Cars drive by, people walk across the street completely oblivious to the two men sitting on the curb. Finally Chan asks what Changbin knew he would, "Do you want to talk about why I found you smoking in the middle of the night, smelling like sex?"

"It's normal to smoke a cig after a good fuck," Changbin tries to deflect. He knows Chan knows him better than that. He knows Chan will wait him out, because he knows Changbin will eventually cave and spill his heart and soul to his second oldest friend. "It didn't help tonight. Still restless. Smoking was the only thing I could think of doing that would help me chill out."

Chan goes very quiet. "But you need physical affection after sex, you always--"

"He doesn't cuddle." Changbin is surprised to find there's a hint of bitterness in his voice. He doesn't know why he's opening up about Felix to Chan. That's probably one of the worst ideas he's had in awhile. "It's fine. Tonight is just." He gestures at the street, at the Needle's silhouette. He's starting to get tired, the bone deep aching exhaustion, that comes after a particularly grueling gig day. Changbin’s hands throb again and he drops the rest of the cigarette into the street. "Tonight I think I needed more."

"Why don't we cuddle then?" Chan says it so easily, like that doesn't completely send Changbin's mind whirring way too fast. Chan must've noticed his stunned silence and took it the wrong way. "I mean, I know it's not the same as cuddling with the one you love--"

"What? I'm not in love with Felix." Changbin can't even begin to fathom where Chan got that idea. "We're definitely friends. Like. A little more than friends I guess but I'm not in love with him."

Chan blinks slowly, processing what he just heard. "Huh. Okay. It just sorta seemed--I mean, it doesn't really matter, does it? It's just not the same when its not with the person you--"

"I swear to fuck if you say 'made love'--"

_ "Made love to _ . It's just not the same."

"God why are you such a sap, I genuinely do not understand it." Changbin smiles as he stands up and looks down at Chan. He's annoyingly gorgeous in the buzzing yellow streetlight. His eyes keep blinking slowly and his lips pout a bit and Changbin is struck not for the first time how deeply, fully fucked he is for Christopher Chan Bang.

Chan reaches up to Changbin and he pulls the guitarist up to his feet. Chan doesn’t let the hand go; he just uses it as leverage to pull Changbin into a hug, bag of liquor and snacks smacking Changbin's back. Changbin makes a strangled sound of protest, but he easily melts into the embrace. Chan hums happily and starts walking them the short distance back to the hotel. “Won’t you come to bed with hyung, Binnie? It’s awfully cold alone.”

“Phrasing?” Changbin knows he’s blushing. He buries his face into Chan’s shoulder to hide it. Chan doesn't hide his laugh and keeps walking. 

Changbin falls asleep that night cradled in Chan's arms. His pillow is Chan's bicep, his blanket Chan's octopus embrace. When they were younger, Changbin used to complain about how Jisung hogs the sheets, how Chan basically turns into their weighted blanket. But they all knew Changbin loved it. He loves physical affection even though he never asks for it in any way that comes off as serious. Chan’s cuddles always made Changbin feel safe, like he’s where he belongs and as he’s drifting asleep, he snuggles deeper into Chan’s embrace.

In the months before things went to shit, Changbin, Chan, and Jisung always fell asleep with each other. Their arms pulled each other tight like if they just held on tight enough, the world wouldn’t get in. 

They wake up early. Changbin feels more refreshed than he has in weeks. It's painful, not because of the hour, but because Changbin has to leave Chan in his room to go pack instead of staying cozy in Chan’s arms. He passes Minho in the hall as he's making his way back. Minho raises an eyebrow and smirks. Changbin flips him off and shuffles the final few feet to his room. Fuck whatever Minho is thinking. Actually just fuck Minho in general.

Everyone's downstairs by the time Changbin is ready. He had a mishap finding some of his underwear and a couple of his earrings, mostly from being drunk and just throwing them everywhere. It's fine. No one calls him out on it but he can tell Jinyoung, the tour manager, is holding his tongue from saying anything. It's  _ fine _ , Changbin kinda wants to scream. They're not leaving late or anything and they still have enough time to grab some of the complimentary continental breakfast before they have to load into the bus. He spots Felix talking with Minho and something drops into the pit of Changbin’s stomach. He doesn't know why but he just  _ knows _ Minho is stirring the pot somehow. He should just ignore it. He's been doing a pretty fucking good job at that he thinks. But then he sees how Felix's shoulders tighten, just a little, and Changbin is walking over before he can stop himself.

"Oh! Binnie," Minho sings. Changbin narrows his eyes. He's not entirely sure how threatening he looks, but he's gotta at least  _ try. _ "I was just telling Felix about how apparently you went bed hopping last night."

_ "Bed hopping?" _ Changbin shakes his head. What the fuck is Minho--

Ah. The dots connect for Changbin. 

"I admire your stamina. I certainly can't go multiple rounds anymore, let alone with two different people in one night--"

"Minho, how about you shut the fuck up for once in your life?" Jisung walks up and puts his whatever into a chokehold and drags him away. Jisung grimaces in apology to Felix and Changbin. "He's a little drunk still."

_ "Still?" _ Changbin is baffled how Jisung ended up with someone like Minho. Other than their obvious deep affection and chemistry and everything else that makes them a great couple. Jisung shrugs, expression tight but still fond and he shoves a hand over Minho yelling. 

"Shut  _ up, _ Hoho, you're scaring the white people," Jisung stage-whispers. He starts backing towards the food. Changbin snorts as Jisung very politely nods to the business people in their suits as they glare at Minho in his armpit. It's so very Jisung and it makes Changbin's heart ache with some sort of nostalgia. When he turns back to Felix, Felix is staring at him with something unreadable. His eyes narrow a bit before he turns and walks away, without a word. Changbin groans internally, knowing the damage is already done. Whatever Minho said before Changbin showed up has already upset Felix.

Chan shows up last. He's freshly showered and still devastingly handsome and he beelines for Jisung and a much calmer looking Minho. Changbin observes from a table in a corner, tucked away from everyone else. Felix sits across from him, but he hasn't said a word the entire time. When he was younger, Changbin would already be trying to ply answers from someone he upset, even if it wasn't actually him who did the hurting. Hell, at the beginning of the tour he would have done that with Felix. Changbin knows better now so he just sits there and eats his food. Felix will voice his thoughts when he's ready.

Changbin glances back at the rest of his band and immediately meets Jisung's gaze. He raises an eyebrow and Jisung shrugs a bit. He flicks his eyes to Felix and then looks at Chan and Changbin shakes his head a little. He hopes Jisung understands. He used to. Jisung used to be Changbin's mind reader for things Chan couldn't quite parse. Jisung holds Changbin's gaze for a few more seconds and then tension visibly leaves his body before he leans back. Changbin turns his attention back to his meal. He isn't that hungry. He's about to ask Felix if he wants anything else when the roadie shoves back from the table and stalks away. 

"What's his problem?" Jongho and Wooyoung, two of the other roadies, put their own plates on the table and watch Felix leave. Changbin lets his groan out now, loud and annoyed. He can see Seungnim look between Changbin and Felix before glaring at Changbin and following Felix out. Changbin buries his head in his hands. It's not even 7am and he really needs a cigarette and a stiff drink.

"Minho's been stirring the pot."

The roadies make a noise of understanding. Changbin can sense Wooyoung about to open his mouth so he looks up and grits out, "Do not ask me any questions. I'm not giving you gossip about  _ me." _

"Ah, but you'd give me gossip about other people?" Wooyoung waves his fork in Changbin's face, eyes full of mischief. He welps when Changbin kicks him under the table, as if they were teenagers again. "Come on! Everyone knows you and Felix are together--"

"Not like the way, like, Minsung--"

_ "Minsung?"  _ Changbin feels a bit like he's going to have an aneurysm. Jongho and Wooyoung are giving him concerned looks, so his expression must also be telling them he's about to have an aneurysm. "What the actual fuck is a 'minsung'?"

"It's like the portmanteau for Jisung and Minho. Since they're," Jongho waves and makes a face of mild disgust, "together or whatever."

"Thanks for the reminder." And oh, that came out bitter, didn't it? Good job Changbin. Let the two biggest gossips in the crew know you're still pining after your best friend even though he's happy with someone. Still pining even though it's been over ten years since he last had a chance. He groans. He doesn't want Felix to be upset with him. Felix is a good friend and, sure, the sex is great. But Changbin does actually care if Felix is upset since he's a Good Friend and that's what good friends do. He pushes away from the table, much to the surprise of Jongho and Wooyoung. "I'm gonna check on Felix."

"Seungie's with him," Wooyoung says, like it's a warning. It's one Changbin is going to ignore.

Seungmin is indeed with Felix when Changbin finds them by the tour bus. Seungmin looks about ready to tell Changbin to go fuck himself, when Felix rests a hand on his arm. Changbin approaches cautiously either way. Seungmin is awesome; he's smart and an excellent assistant to Jinyoung, but he's also Felix's best friend after Chan. Changbin’s getting a headache thinking about how incestuous their crew has become over the past two months of touring. He's never been more grateful for the end of a tour before. Except for maybe their last one. He was definitely grateful then.

"Hey, Seungmin can I talk to Felix," Changbin starts, "Alone?"

Seungmin glares and crosses his arms. "Whatever you have to say you can say in front of me."

"Seungie." Felix gives his guard dog an amused shove and shakes his head. "You really don't need to be here. I think it's better if it's just me and Binnie, yeah?"

"If you fuck up again I'm throwing away all your drumsticks," Seungmin says and pokes Changbin in the chest roughly. Both Felix and Changbin watch as he marches away.

"I don't know what Minho said, but I seriously did not hop from getting fucked by you into Chan's bed for another round." He figures it'd be best to just jump into this conversation. "I'm too old for that shit. And just--I don't know, we aren't doing any like emotional intimacy shit so--"

"No, it's fine," Felix says. It is clearly not fine. Changbin can feel acid building his stomach, threatening to rise up his throat and make him gag. "We're not, like, involved. Emotionally. Or whatever."

It feels like the rug is being pulled out from under Changbin. He feels like he's spiraling and losing his grip and he doesn't quite understand what's happening. Maybe it was the cigarette. This might just be some delayed response to nicotine. It  _ has _ been a while since he smoked. He reaches out and takes Felix's hand in his and pulls to make Felix look at him. "No. Wait. Okay. This is a conversation we need to have and I don't like it and I can tell neither do you. But there seems to be like.  _ Something  _ that's bothering both of us and--you're my friend. Even though we fuck all the time, you're my friend and there's like a bro connection there."

Felix's expression immediately morphs into one of confusion. "Did you just call our fuck buddy relationship a  _ bro _ connection?"

"Listen, I'm a moron." Changbin smiles a bit when Felix bursts into laughter at that statement. It eases the worry in his heart a bit, but the nausea remains. "I just want to make sure we're, I don't know, still on the same page."

Felix sighs and gently pulls his hand away. "We do need to talk, but not until we get to Sacramento. I need to think more and figure out exactly what I'm upset about."

"Okay." He still feels uneasy. Felix tends to overthink, but not letting him parse through his thoughts would be worse. "I respect that."

The drive down to Sacramento felt longer than necessary. There was traffic and Changbin couldn’t hold a conversation for longer than a few minutes before his attention wandered or he felt restless. He ended up with his headphones on working on a song that’s been following him around for years.

They arrive in Sacramento in the middle of the night and the last thing Changbin can do is sleep. He knows Hyunjin is here somewhere; a brand hired him to be their representative at the weekend long festival 3racha’s also playing. He sends one text to Hyunjin and sets off to Felix’s room. If he doesn’t want to talk to Changbin right now, that’s fine, but Changbin needs to try. The nausea from that morning returns in full force and if Felix does not open his door right now Changbin is going to run back to his room and throw up. 

But Felix does answer.

His expression is perfectly blank. Which is not a good sign. Changbin feels his hands sweating. He takes a deep breath and asks, “Can we talk?”

Instead of answering verbally, Felix opens his door wider and makes space for Changbin to walk in. That’s enough of an invitation and it’s one Changbin’s accepted every time in better circumstances.

Tonight there will be no needy kisses or touches or pushing and pulling against each other and that sits oddly in his chest.

Felix immediately sits on the bed. Changbin subconsciously moves to join him but stops short. There's one of the generic hotel desk chairs nearby so he grabs that and drags it over. He waits. He thinks Felix wants to start the conversation and also wants to see him squirm. So Changbin stays quiet. After what feels like hours, Felix sighs and finally,  _ finally _ looks at Changbin.

“You don’t like me.” A statement. Not a question. 

Changbin’s first instinct is to soothe, to deny, to say  _ “of course I like you, you’re incredible, and kind, and smart, and so, so sexy without trying,” _ but he knows that’s not what Felix needs to hear. So he shakes his head. Felix nods again and lets out a long breath.

“I kinda knew from the start. Seungmin told me not to mess with you.” Felix tilts his head to the side and while he still looks at Changbin, he’s not seeing him anymore. He’s thinking about when they started fucking. Changbin smiles to himself thinking about it. “But you’ve always felt out of reach and when you agreed to be my fuck buddy--well, of course I took the chance. But I always knew there couldn’t be anything.”

Changbin swallows. Should he apologize? Would that make things worse? It could. He feels tingling in his fingers and he knows in five minutes it’ll spread up his arms. He opens his mouth but one glance from Felix shuts him up.

“I’m going to ask you a question and I need you to answer truthfully,” Felix starts. He waits for Changbin’s acknowledgement before continuing. “Did you and Chan fuck last night?”

“No.” Changbin thinks about how Chan held him, how it felt so right when his friend threw his leg over Changbin, like they had when they could only afford one room with one double bed in a shitty Best Western on tour. The only way it could have been more right, more like  _ home _ is if Jisung was there too. Changbin swallows the lingering sadness and repeats, “No.”

Felix nods. “Are you in love with Chan?”

Changbin freezes for real this time. His ears start ringing and it feels like he’s falling. It’s like the first day of boot camp; he aches so deeply and his breath comes in short bursts. His vision starts to narrow and darken. His mouth is dry and--and he should lie but he can’t, he can’t lie to Felix.

“Binnie, can you hear me?” Felix’s voice breaks through his panic. He’s genuinely concerned, eyebrows pinched together and he’s worrying his lips. Felix’s hands hover near him, but not touching. When he sees that Changbin’s responsive again, he leans over to the bedside table and opens a bottle of water for him. Changbin takes a few deep breaths and logs the things around him: the generic pillows that always look softer than they actually are, the way the air conditioner whirs in the background, how he can smell Felix’s hair spray even after a full day, the way his t-shirt fabric feels when he clutches it. “What do you need?”

“I’ll be fine,” Changbin croaks out after drinking the water. He can see Felix’s hands twitching in his lap and Changbin reaches out. “Can I sit next to you?”

“Sure.” Felix pats the space next to him and Changbin clambers next to him and presses himself, shoulder to hip, against Felix. The warmth of another body grounds him further. And so they lapse back into silence. Once Changbin feels more like a human than bees held together by cheesecloth, he starts to move away. Felix wraps an arm around him and keeps him pressed against his side.

“I didn’t expect such a strong reaction,” Felix murmurs, his Australian accent slipping through for a moment. Caution is written all over him.

“I am in love with him,” Changbin says. There’s nothing else to say, is there? “Both of them, actually.”

Felix makes a surprised sound and shifts to face Changbin. “Wait. You’re in love with  _ both _ of your bandmates?”

Changbin lets out a harsh laugh and nods. “Yeah. For over 10 years. Tried to get over them. Enlisted even though I didn’t have to anymore. Fucked both men and women. Almost got married. No one knows that bit, by the way.”

“I won’t tell.” Felix didn’t have to say that. Changbin knows Felix would never. He’s too Good for that.

“Realized I really only am interested in two people. No one else could hold my attention or challenge me like them. So. Yeah. Still in love, but still can’t resist a beautiful man, especially one who can restring a bass like you can. So.” Changbin groans and buries his hands into his hands. “You’re  _ incredible _ . Not just like, in bed or at your job--which you are, for both--you’re also just so smart and kind. You overthink, but you also take the time to consider what’s really the best option. You deserve so much better than what the fuck is happening right now. I--I’m sure the last thing you want is for me to say sorry--”

“Honestly, I’m not nearly as upset about that than I think either of us expected.” Felix is rubbing Changbin’s arm absentmindedly. He bites the inside of his cheek and stares straight ahead. Changbin searches the profile of the roadie, wondering what exactly that meant. “Knowing that you didn’t fuck Chan helps. It didn’t seem like you when Minho told me.”

"Chan just. Last night I needed more physical contact and Chan--" He groans and buries his head in Felix's shoulder. "He found me smoking and he just knows me well enough to know what was going on and--he offered to cuddle. The way we used to. We literally cuddled and slept."

Felix nods, his chin bumping Changbin’s head a bit. "That sounds like Chan. He used to do that with me too, back when he was just doing the solo thing. He's a very good cuddler."

"Right?" Changbin oddly doesn't feel jealous knowing Felix has experienced the same thing. "He has a way of making you feel safe."

"Oh, totally." The Aussie accent is back and Changbin smiles. He likes when Felix doesn't think about how he sounds so much. "He made a lot of the crew have cuddle puddles. Has he always been like that?"

Changbin thinks back to middle school, sprawled out on Chan's bed while Jisung and Chan played on the Dreamcast. He remembers how when they stayed the night, Chan would bring his blankets to the floor and they'd all cuddle together to read Goosebumps and when they got older, sneaking porn magazines, thinking they were cool. He thinks about how it was so easy to link hands, to flop on top of Jisung and hold him against his chest. 

The cuddles always continued, were always a part of their friendship and brief…whatever their trio was in the year and a half leading up to the hiatus. 

Knowing that at least has persisted lets a smile creep back onto Changbin’s face.

“Yeah,” he settles on. “Yeah, he’s always been like that.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t think you need to hide your feelings for him.” Felix rubs small circles with his thumb right on the jut of Changbin’s shoulder. He’s looking faraway, like he’s Legolas and he’s looking for the enemy. Like he’s cataloging everything he’s ever seen or heard about Changbin and Chan. “I don’t think Jisung feels any different about you either, but.”

“Minho.”

“Yeah.”

They lapse into silence. Their hands tangle and they lean together. It’s good. It’s nice. It’s also the most physical affection outside of sex Felix and Changbin have shared. He thinks that being honest has made both of them less afraid. Felix knows where he stands and Changbin feels less wrong. But they haven’t talked about what this means--Felix still hasn’t said his piece. “So…”

“So?”

“Are we…going to keep fucking or?” Changbin cringes when he realizes how that sounds. “Not that like--well, I just want to know. It--I don’t want to  _ assume _ , but earlier it kind of sounded like, uhm--”

“Binnie.” Felix fully faces Changbin now, his small hands cradling Changbin’s much larger ones. “I did in the beginning have feelings for you.”

“Oh.” Changbin feels kind of shit knowing that. Felix shakes his head.

“No, do not start beating yourself up. They changed pretty fast.” He cocks his head to the side and purses his lips. “Like I said, you seemed untouchable for a while and then when you started opening up, I was surprised. I fell for you, but then I realized it was, like, a friend crush? I feel like we understand each other pretty well. Does that make sense?”

It doesn’t really, but Changbin nods anyway. Felix squints, but ultimately decides that’s enough to continue. “I  _ do _ like you, but it’s changed into something other than romantic, I guess? Me and Seungmin talked about it a lot. He kind of hated that we kept sleeping together after I caught feelings. But like, they weren’t  _ romantic, _ okay? They’re just. There. And I want you to be happy and fucking you is fun. Besides, you always open up so pretty for me.”

Changbin flushes and pushes Felix away. Felix laughs and falls back onto the bed. Changbin tackles him and starts tickling him. “Shut up, as if you aren’t just as eager to get my dick in you too!”

Felix screeches and flips them over. His hair is wild, sticking up all over and his ridiculously baggy t-shirt slides off his shoulder, exposing the chest piece he typically covers up. He’s absolutely ethereal and Changbin knows if they met sooner, if he could have just gotten over Chan and Jisung, he would be head over heels for Felix. There’s no use dwelling, but there is a pang, just there, beneath his lungs.

No use dwelling.

Felix collapses on top of Changbin. Changbin allows himself to hold Felix close. “I don’t think we should fuck for a bit. Even if there’s no hard feelings, it just. It doesn’t feel right.”

Felix lets out a sharp breath. He’s frozen on top of Changbin, clearly not expecting that suggestion. “Are you sure? I told you, it’s fine.”

“I know,” Changbin breathes. Felix still smells so familiar after spending so many nights together in bed. It feels like maybe this is something they should have talked about long ago, but Changbin’s never been good at starting difficult conversations. “I don’t know. I feel weird. Like I’ve been taking advantage.”

Felix hums and pulls away. “If that’s what you really want. But for real. It’s fine.”

“Thanks. I’m sorry for,” Changbin gestures vaguely between the two of them, “everything.”

“Ugh, don’t be so dramatic. That’s Wooyoung’s job.” Felix gives him a small smile and brushes Changbin’s hair out of his face so, so softly. “Can I give you one last kiss at least?”

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

It is definitely a goodbye. For a second, Changbin knows they're both considering deepening it, opening up to each other one last time, but Felix pulls away before that can happen. It's only when Changbin opens the door does he realize he's crying.

His phone vibrates in his pocket as soon as Changbin locks himself in his own hotel room. The newest message is in the 3racha group chat, but the one he's more interested in is from Hyunjin.

_ From: Changbin _ _  
_ _ Hey just got to Sac u already here? _ _  
_ _ I might need to drink _ _  
_ _ Unless Felix doesn’t like. Eviscerates me. _ _  
_ _ sent 12:20am _

_ If I dont respond in like 15 min it’s bc Felix didn’t slam the door in my face _ _  
_ _ sent 12:22am _

_ To: Pretty Shithead _ _  
_ _ O shit. _ _  
_ _ Ye i’m here and am down to drink in the hotel.  _ _  
_ _ received 12:43am _

_ i guess felix either murdered you finally or yall are good. _ _  
_ _ received 1:09am _

_ From: Changbin _ _  
_ _ Yeah, he didn’t murder me. _ _  
_ _ I’ll tell you more tomorrow. Lunch? _ _  
_ _ sent 1:14am _

_ To: Pretty Shithead _ __  
_ congrats. see you at the old spot at 2pm _ _  
_ __ received 1:16am


	2. And I've Been Here for Too Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains explicit smut under the influence of horny and alcohol

Changbin shows up at the Old Spot close to 2:15pm. He’s known Hyunjin long enough now to know that when he says a time, Changbin should add 15-30 minutes on to that. It’s not that Hyunjin is always late, it’s more that Changbin’s learned that Hyunjin just gets caught up in creating posts for his Instagram for at least that long whenever he arrives some place. Changbin also trusts Hyunjin to order something delicious for them both.

Exactly as predicted, when he arrives he spots Hyunjin at a table in the back by the balcony. There’s three plates in front of him with four different drinks. He’s snapping pics on his phone, a mini light reflector in one hand to get the most even lighting he can. Changbin, being the asshole he is, walks directly into the light.

“Hey!” Hyunjin looks up and immediately glares when he sees it’s Changbin. “You fucking asshole. And here I ordered the most delicious and beautiful food for us.”

“I’d say sorry but we both know I’d be lying,” Changbin says in Korean. He takes a seat and surveys the food. Hyunjin was not lying; there’s a stack of matcha pancakes topped with what looks like raspberry jam, a slab of marble with what must be a breakfast charcuterie spread, and finally some incredibly gorgeous eggs Benedict. 

“Good to see you, hyung,” Hyunjin replies and puts his phone and mini reflector away. “I got us two drinks each.” He gestures to the two glasses on the left, “Those two are yours. Got you their version of an Irish coffee and a salty dog. I also asked for bottomless sangria. You don’t need to do anything later right?”

Changbin barks out a laugh. There’s definitely things he needs to do later, but considering all the shit that’s happened in the past 24 hours, he thinks day drinking and procrastinating is acceptable. "No, why? You and your posse wanna day drink and take pics until you pass out?"

Hyunjin smirks and tilts his drink to Changbin. "Yeah, something like that."

They get through most of their food and first two drinks without bringing up Felix. Changbin knows that Hyunjin is waiting for him to get just on the other side of drunk so that he'll finally feel comfortable sharing. It's an old habit they both have, back from when they were both living in Korea. Hyunjin talks about his recent modeling contracts and success as a rapper. Talks about how his boyfriend continues to be adorable and talented and perfect even though Changbin knows for a fact he's more of a brat than Hyunjin. He mentions how Minghao is doing some collab with Vetements and Daehwi was interviewed by  _ Out _ a couple months ago. He asks about the tour, lets Changbin ramble about the highs and lows and tell stories about the road, all while dancing around his Yearning and Felix.

But then Changbin cracks. “I told Felix that we can’t keep fucking. Basically Minho saw me come out of Chan’s room one morning and--no, do  _ not _ look at me like that, we literally just  _ cuddled-- _ he told Felix. Pretty sure he implied what you were thinking.”

Hyunjin pours him another glass of sangria and shoves more cheese onto Changbin’s plate. “So he thought you were, what, cheating on him? Even though he was just your ass man?”

“Could you just say fuck buddy like a normal person?”

“No,” Hyunjin says, twirling his fork before stabbing some longganisa, “Ass man is funnier. And it’s not like you weren’t--”

_ “Okay,” _ Changbin snaps, rubbing his temples. He’s going to have such a huge headache and it won’t even be because he drank too much. “What I’m  _ trying _ to say is that I was emotionally vulnerable and told Felix that as awesome as he is, I’m stupidly in love with Chan and Jisung.”

“And what did he say?” Hyunjin finally stuffs his mouth with the sausage and waits for Changbin’s response. Changbin picks at the cheese a bit before sighing and staring out at the patio next to him.

“He said he wasn’t surprised. And that he understands.” Changbin spears a slice of manchego and eats it so he can collect his thoughts. “Felix is genuinely too fucking good. He said that he didn’t care and we could keep sleeping together because knowing where he stands is better than not knowing.”

“But you’re a martyr so you said no to some good ass.” Hyunjin isn’t even looking at Changbin anymore. His full attention is on decimating the charcuterie. “I mean, that’s pretty honorable and probably easier since, like, you only have three more stops after the festival?”

“Yeah, ending with the homecoming in LA.”

“Homecoming for the band,” Hyunjin points out. “Not for you. Or even Chan or Jisung.”

Changbin nods; 3racha has always existed in some form or another (in middle school they called themselves Fill In The Blank because they were Edgy and Cool), but the band as it’s known didn’t fully come into its own until the three of them moved to LA. And therefore LA claimed them as their own. It’s kind of an odd thing, to be claimed by a city that Changbin lived in for less time than he’s known Chan and Jisung. Seoul or Seattle, those feel like real homes to him.

Not that it really matters. People don’t really see Changbin, they see the shining stars of Jisung and Chan and really, who could blame them. Changbin himself can barely process anything outside of Chan and Jisung, onstage and off. The roar of a crowd doesn’t even register sometimes, if it’s been a particularly taxing day for Changbin. He hyper focuses until his entire world is the drumkit and his two best friends. 

So he gets it. He gets LA wanting to claim 3racha as their own. Because that’s all he wants to do with Chan and Jisung.

Hyunjin kicks him from under the table, face twisted into faux-annoyance. “Wow, are you seriously thinking about not one, but  _ two _ other men while you are here, with me, objectively one of the most handsome men in the world? Upsetting.”

“Shut up, you brat.” 

Hyunjin sticks his tongue out, making sure to show off his tongue piercing since he knows it pisses Changbin off. When he settles down, he catches a waiter's eye and puts in an order for a salad and some rose. Changbin rolls his eyes, but doesn’t complain. 

“So what now? You continue your gross yearning over Chan and Jisung and do nothing about it?” Hyunjin leans back in his chair and gives his basically brother a critical look. It’s Changbin’s turn to kick him under the table. Hyunjin overreacts, acting like Changbin put any sort of actual force behind it. 

“Look, I haven’t figured it out yet, okay? Chan and I--” Changbin swallows thickly, thinking back to cuddling, to the concerned looks he knows Chan thinks he doesn’t see. So maybe Felix might be right about Chan, but Changbin will not allow himself to hope. “Well, Chan is Chan and I’m me and we were never really more than just fuck buddies.”

Hyunjin gives Changbin a withering look as he sips delicately on his glass of wine. His lip rings clink loud enough that Changbin knows it’s intentional. Fucking drama queen. Changbin rolls his eyes and snags the last piece of longinissa and manchego just to spite Hyunjin. As he chews, Hyunjin slowly places his glass back onto the table. Changbin squints a bit; he’s definitely feeling tipsy now and he knows Hyunjin knows and Changbin doesn’t like that. Hyunjin folds his hands ever so fake politely and flutters his eyelashes at Changbin.

“What the fuck do you want?”

Hyunjin sighs and looks up at Changbin through his lashes. “I want to know if my favorite hyung finally posted his song?”

Changbin fails resisting rolling his eyes again. “I don’t know you should just ask Younghoon, it’s not like I follow him.”

_ “Wow, _ hyung. Wow. I’m hurt.” Hyunjin feigns offense, tattooed knuckles on display. “I just wanna know how the song you literally listen to and rewrite every month is coming along.”

“I’m not  _ just _ working on that song,” Changbing defends, mostly to himself. It’s not a  _ lie, _ Changbin has at least two external harddrives filled with half-formed songs. But he knows Hyunjin doesn’t care about those songs. He’s asking about the one he started writing drunk, the one that everyone who’s been trusted enough to hear it, wants him to release. It’s one of the only finished songs Changbin’s written solo. Changbin swallows. “Besides, it’s not to be released. It’s just.” He gestures vaguely before shrugging. “It’s there.”

Hyunjin hums and nods, not convinced. He steals a fruit off of Changbin’s plate and speaks while popping the berry into his mouth, “I think you should just be rid of it. Delete it or post it on Soundcloud. I hope you post it, for what it’s worth. A song like that sounds like a weight on your psyche.”

“Jesus you really have been hanging out with Daehwi and Minghao too much.” Changbin does not stab one of the remaining chunks of granola off of Hyunjin’s salad. “That sounds like a bunch of cult shit.”

“Did you mean ‘occult’?”

“You knew what I meant,” Changbin gripes, leaning over the table to flick Hyunjin’s forehead. “It doesn’t matter, it sounds fake.”

“It’s not fake! You can’t call psychology  _ fake, _ it’s a literal science.” Hyunjin smacks Changbin’s hand and pouts dramatically. “I’m serious, holding all that shit inside is unhealthy. You can’t  _ die _ early, you’ll leave me a young widow!”

“What the fuck, we’re not married? We’re not even dating, gross,” Changbin laughs. His face feels really warm. Fucking Hyunjin. “Fine, I’ll release it by the end of the year.”

“It’s February.”

Changbin blinks. “It’s October, Jinnie.”

Hyunjin waves his hands, dismissing Changbin outright. “Doesn’t matter. That’s just better. You have what, two months to release it then?” He regards his hyung critically and then nods. “You should release it before the LA show.”

Changbin crosses his arms and matches Hyunjin’s critical expression. “And why should I do that?”

“Hyung, think about the timing! It’ll be perfect.” Hyunjin leans forward, genuine eagerness in his expression. “Besides, you’re performing with me during my set this weekend. It’ll generate such a huge buzz!”

“Not everything is about generating buzz, Mr. Social Media Influencer.” Then Changbin processes what Hyunjin just said. “What. I didn’t agree to perform with you at your set.”

“Yes you did,” Hyunjin says, checking his nails. “Back when I accepted the job. You said you’d help me out, however I needed.”

Changbin wracks his brain, trying to remember if, yes, he  _ did _ say that. He is nearly 100% positive he did  _ not _ say that. He squints, hoping maybe if he does that his brain will remember  _ something. _ “Even  _ if _ I said that, I definitely did not mean that I’d  _ perform _ with you.”

_ “Hyung,” _ Hyunjin full-on whines, as if he hadn’t just turned 30. “I’ve never performed at a festival like this! I’m a  _ Soundcloud rapper _ and most of the people here are metalheads! They’re  _ your  _ people, you have to provide me with some backup.”

“Yeah,  _ backup, _ which does not include me performing with you.” Changbin sighs and ignores the very convincing puppy eyes Hyunjin shoots at him from across the table. “They have rappers at Aftershock, it’s not like you’re the  _ only _ one who’s ever performed here.”

“Oh what did I do to get such an awful hyung? All I’ve ever done is be beautiful.”

“You’re a brat, of course your hyung has to keep you in line,” Changbin laughs, muscles relaxing. Hyunjin still pouts, but there’s no actual anger or disappointment. He knows Changbin is about to give in. There’s a stare down while Changbin valiantly tries to think of any reason to say no. Eventually he caves, because he’s a sucker and he gets where Hyunjin is coming from, even if he doesn’t actually want to do anything. He tries not to think about how he’s going to keep his identity secret. SpearB and Seo Changbin have never been seen in a room together, and Changbin had intended to keep it that way until he died, but Hyunjin tends to ruin most of Changbin’s plans. He scrubs his hands down his face and whines. “No one is supposed to know I’m SpearB, Jinnie.”

“Then wear a hat with sunglasses like you always do,” Hyunjin dismisses. He clearly hasn’t thought this through; in Korea Changbin could get away with that. 3racha was only known in specific circles and Changbin avoided those circles in Korea. But  _ here, _ especially at Aftershock,  _ everyone _ knows who he is. People may not know his name, but they know he’s a part of 3racha. They know to approach him and tell him things that are way too personal sometimes.

“Hyunjin, we’re literally one of the headliners of this festival. Do you really think even with a hat and sunglasses people wouldn’t know who the fuck I am?”

“And you call me narcissistic.”

“It’s not narcissism, it’s the truth,” Changbin snaps. He winces once he realizes how that came out, but Hyunjin doesn’t seem too bothered. A little shocked, but not upset. He probably expected it. Hyunjin does know when he pushes the limits a little too far. “People will know I’m SpearB, they’ll know about--” Changbin stops himself and groans. “They’ll think I’m a sell out.”

“So? You made a shit ton of money producing for a few idol groups and spent most of your time working with underground artists.” Hyunjin leans back in his chair, wine glass back in his hand. Changbin takes the sangria and pours himself another glass, digging out one of the alcohol soaked strawberries to go with it. “It doesn’t matter. You were still making music.”

Changbin really truly loves Hyunjin. But, “You’re missing the point. The perception of me being a sell out could fuck up the band’s rep.”

“I don’t think you care so much about the band’s rep,” Hyunjin says slowly, like he’s tasting the way the words sound. “I think you’re more worried if Chan and Jisung will think you’re a sell out.”

Changbin glares darkly at Hyunjin. Hyunjin shrugs and continues, “What? They don’t know what you were doing in the past decade and you want to keep it that way? What do they think you were doing in Korea? That you were a soldier for 10 years? How depressing.”

“No, they just--I told them--” Changbin worries his bottom lip. His hands are cramping and it feels like his left thumb is spasming. God damn it, he definitely drank too much. “They know I was making music, that like I was doing songwriting, but that’s it. They don’t know I was like, some mysterious underground rapper whose features  _ apparently _ guaranteed buzz.”

“I love when you’re confident about your skills,” laughs Hyunjin. “It’s a much better look on you than trying to hide behind your other bandmates.”

Changbin joins him in laughing. He reaches into his bag and pulls out the Tiger Balm from Felix and massages it into his palms and fingers. He knows Hyunjin is watching him carefully, probably assessing how fucked his hyung’s hands are. “I’m  _ good _ at rapping, Hyunjin-ah. I love it almost as much as playing drums.”

“I know, hyung.” Hyunjin’s voice is soft and reaches over to take one of Changbin’s balmy hands into his own. He only crinkles his nose a mild amount. “So why are you hiding it? You’re fucking  _ awesome _ and I want you on stage with me so the metalheads won’t try to rip my pretty little face to shreds.”

Changbin knows he’s been defeated. He  _ knows _ he’s going to step on that stage with Hyunjin and completely expose himself to all the judgemental metalheads looking for someone to hate. And Changbin also knows that he does not give a fuck what the haters may think, but he  _ does _ care if it negatively impacts 3racha.

“Come on,” pleads Hyunjin, “I know how much you love being on stage, especially when  _ you _ get to shine on your own.”

“I wouldn’t be on my own if I agree,” Changbin points out. They both know this is his way of saying yes.

“So? The set is tomorrow, think you can rememorize your lyrics by then?”

Changbin scoffs, “As if I forgot them in the first place.”

They pay their bill and stumble out of the restaurant. Hyunjin drags him to see his boyfriend, Jeongin, who’s in town visiting relatives. They end up talking for hours, Jeongin showing them small boutiques with ridiculously expensive knick-knacks. Changbin likes the used bookstore Jeongin takes them to best. There’s an entire room full of books on music composition and history. Changbin scours the shelves for what feels like only 10 minutes but both Hyunjin and Jeongin assure him it was at least 20.

Jeongin’s aunt insists on feeding them, even though Jeongin himself is 29 and makes enough money to have treated all of them at one of the nicest restaurants in Sacramento. It’s so nice to eat some kimchi jjigae and banchan that’s home made instead of from some restaurant. Shit, Changbin misses Korean food. It’s only been a total of six months since he arrived back in the States, but Changbin’s missed the food the entire time. That’s the best part of their show in LA, he thinks. K-town will at least have incredible food.

Hyunjin drags them to some fancy bar he  _ needs _ “to check it out, hyung, I need to post something from there in my stories,” and so even though Changbin does not want to be, Changbin is drunk once again. Hyunjin and Jeongin immediately leave him to be beautiful and take pictures of each other and their drinks. Changbin shakes his head and downs his scotch. It burns as it goes down; that scotch should have been sipped instead of shot. Changbin freezes when he thinks he sees Chan in the corner. But the next time he blinks, Changbin is positive it’s not him. He needs another drink. He needs to be drunker immediately. 

Changbin also needs to get laid.

He decides this as he sees Jeongin grab Hyunjin into a messy kiss, much messier than necessary, but Changbin is almost entirely sure someone was making a pass at Hyunjin. It stands to reason anyway since everywhere Hyunjin goes, someone is likely to try and take him home. It’s how him and Changbin met anyway.

“Hey,” comes a voice, just to the right of his shoulder. When he turns, there’s a young man standing next to him. Not quite slim enough to be considered a twink, but not broader than Changbin. Taller though.  _ Not that that’s hard, _ he thinks, but without the bitterness he would have had when he was younger. Changbin gives him an obvious onceover, smirk growing as he takes him in. 

“Howdy,” Changbin replies. He offers his hand, “Changbin.”

“I know.” He takes Changbin’s hand and it’s soft and warm. “Yeonjun.” He says it like someone raised in the States and his mind flashes to meeting Chan, in all his Australian glory.

“Nice to meet you, Yeonjun.” Changbin steals a glance at his arms. They’ve got a good bulk and Changbin wonders vaguely if Yeonjun could carry Changbin. “If you know who I am, does that mean you’re also in town for the festival?”

Yeonjun returns a smirk and leans closer to Changbin. His cheeks are a little flushed and Changbin has to admire the attention to detail Yeonjun clearly put into his makeup. He could pass as an idol if they were in Korea. The other man glances down to Changbin’s lips, “Yeah. Didn’t expect to meet one of the best drummers in a gay bar though.”

Changbin can’t help laughing at that. “Oh? Didn’t realize I’m gay, huh?” He leans closer to Yeonjun, knowing  _ exactly _ what they’re both hoping to happen. “I guess that makes it your lucky day.”

“It certainly does,” is all Yeonjun says before snaking a hand behind Changbin’s nape and pulling him into a kiss. It’s messy and not really how Changbin would normally enjoy, but he’s drunk and horny and lonely so he accepts it and returns the passion as best he can. He pulls Yeonjun flush to his body and bites down on the other man’s lip. Yeonjun groans and Changbin can’t help but smirk. 

"Let's find somewhere private," Yeonjun says directly into Changbin's mouth.

Changbin can't say he isn't surprised by the suggestion. "Oh? You're looking for more than just some steamy make outs?" He holds Yeonjun's chin between his thumb and pointer finger. He takes in his handiwork: Yeonjun's pupils are wide and dark, fluorescent blonde hair tossled from Changbin's hands, a line of sweat trailing down before disappearing when it meets the leather choker around Yeonjun's neck. It’s a good look and Changbin would love to have the man's plush lips  _ (not as plush as Chan's, _ his asshole brain thinks, _ not as soft as Sungie's) _ wrapped tight around his dick. "If you suck me off, I'll return the favor."

Yeonjun breaks free from his grip and pulls him back into a kiss. "That's a deal."

Changbin doesn't know this bar well, but all bars have one thing in common: a shady alleyway for horny patrons to make bad decisions in. He pulls Yeonjun to the smokers' exit, nodding to the bouncer. They walk around the building, Yeonjun's hands wandering up and down his body and driving Changbin a little insane. They find a good secluded spot and Yeonjun pounces. He's strong the way Changbin hoped and he pins the drummer to the concrete wall easily. 

"I'm gonna give you the best blow job of your fucking  _ life, _ Changbin Seo," promises Yeonjun. "You'll dream about my mouth."

"Big talk," Changbin grunts. He wedges his thigh between Yeonjun's thighs and forces the blonde to grind down. "You're, what, not a day over 25?"

"I'm 27." Yeonjun keens when Changbin rewards him with another filthy grind. They're both painfully hard.

"Oh, my apologies." Changbin can't help the slightly mocking tone. Something tells him that Yeonjun is into it though. "I didn't realize you’re a big boy afterall." He pulls Yeonjun in close and grabs onto his hips. He sets an agonizing pace, even for him, just to see the younger man squirm. “You sure you can handle someone like me, hm?”

Yeonjun kisses him. It’s messier than before and his hard dick brushes against Changbin’s with each roll of their hips. The desperation seeps out into their movements. Changbin decides that’s enough teasing and flips their positions so he’s pinning Yeonjun to the wall. Yeonjun makes a wounded noise as Changbin crowds him further into the wall. “Still want to make good on your promise?”

Yeonjun whines in reply.

“Uh uh. Use your words,” Changbin says directly into the blonde man’s neck, “otherwise I walk, right now.”

_ “Yes,  _ holy shit,  _ yes.” _ Yeonjun wriggles out of Changbin’s grip to his knees and plants his hands on Changbin’s belt. “I want to suck your dick so bad,  _ please _ I need it.”

“Good boy.” Changbin sighs and undoes his belt and zipper, pulling just his dick out. “Now, show me what you can do.”

Yeonjun wasn’t lying when he said he was going to give him the best blow job. Changbin wouldn’t say it’s the best blow job of his  _ life, _ that title is still split between Felix and Hyunjin. It’s pretty fucking good though. He can swallow more than half of Changbin down in one go. Deep throating doesn’t seem to be a problem for him either and he takes Changbin’s shallow thrusts like a champ. Changbin does his best to only focus on the sensations, ignoring the wrongness that’s building right next to his orgasm.

He always was borderline masochistic.

Changbin cums down Yeonjun’s throat and when he goes to help get Yeonjun off, the other man’s panting, hands covered in his own cum. He smiles crookedly from his knees, eyes sleepy and says, “I couldn’t help it. That was so hot.”

Changbin sighs and pulls Yeonjun up by his forearms. He doesn’t have anything for Yeonjun to clean himself up with. He’s about to tell Yeonjun to wait here for him when he notices that the other man is licking his palms and fingers. Changbin stands there stunned, not seeing someone do that since sleeping with Jisung. 

“Uh,” starts the drummer, “I have hand sanitizer if you want.”

“I’m good, thanks,” Yeonjun says cheerily. He pulls out a bandana and finishes cleaning himself up. He leans in conspiratorially to ask Changbin if he wants to do that again before the festival is over. Changbin looks him over and shakes his head.

“No, I don’t think we will do this again. Thanks for the head though.” Changbin looks Yeonjun over before double checking that he really is fine, that he can make it back to either the bar or wherever he’s staying. Yeonjun waves all his concerns off, straightening himself, and gives Changbin a peck on the cheek.

“Hope I see you again, at least, Changbin.” Yeonjun waves and saunters off. Changbin shakes his head again and wanders back to the bar. Hyunjin and Jeongin probably haven’t noticed his absence. 

Changbin walks to the smoking area and lights up. The bouncer gives him a knowing smirk and Changbin just shrugs. He stares up at the night sky, stars barely visible through the yellow streetlights and neon surrounding the bar. It’s a shame really. He kind of wanted to stargaze before going back inside.

He is finally able to convince Hyunjin and Jeongin it’s time to go home, it’s time to sober up,  _ Hyunjin, you’re literally playing a show in 10 hours, please-- _ . He gets them a cab and they head back to the hotel. 

As they’re walking up, Changbin blearily spots two figures in the shadow. The flick of a lighter is what gives them away and then the very familiar smell of weed. He squints and realizes it’s Jisung and Minho. Minho has Jisung’s chin in his hand, eyes trained on Jisung’s face. Jisung looks appropriately high, lips pouting a bit as he says something Changbin can’t hear. Minho smirks a little and brushes something off Jisung’s cheek. Changbin swallows.

It’s so unbelievably tender and intimate. Changbin knows they’ve somehow intruded without meaning to.

Changbin prays that his two drunken charges won’t make too much noise, and if they do, the couple-- even thinking that about Minho and Jisung makes Changbin’s stomach turn-- won’t notice them. This is, of course, a fool’s errand because before he can even finish the thought, Jeongin lurches out of his grasp, stumbles to the bushes, and throws up. Changbin has to fight down his own urge to vomit as he pulls Jeongin up and away from the bushes.

"Baby!" Hyunjin yells, unnecessarily loud. "My baby, you're so drunk." He pats Jeongin's face and pulls him into a hug. Both of them wobble. Changbin is too old for this. 

"'M fine, hyung," slurs Jeongin. His hands grope at Hyunjin’s back, throwing them both off balance again. "Jus' need to--" he hiccups then seals his mouth shut. He probably feels like he needs to puke again. Changbin, again, considers how they, but especially him, are too old for this.

"Binnie?"

Changbin curses under his breath and whips back to the pair. They've emerged from their dark corner, Jisung looking like some sort of nymph to Changbin's drunk brain. Minho follows behind, an easy smirk on his face as he takes in the sight of Changbin and his two drunk dumbasses. 

Jisung blinks adorably as he watches Hyunjin struggle to hold Jeongin up and who in turn is being propped up by Changbin. He walks closer and prods at Jeongin who is definitely about to pass out and frowns a bit. “I think I know him.”

Hyunjin huffs out a proud noise, “Yeah, because he’s on the cover of  _ Wired _ this month.”

Jisung just blinks. “Okay.” He turns to Changbin, eyeing him way more critically than should be possible while stoned. “Binnie, are you drunk? Do you need help getting back to your room?”

Changbin’s head throbs a bit and he squeezes his eyes shut. He really is too old for this. He just wants to get back to his room to shower and pass the fuck out before he has to help Hyunjin tomorrow. Well, later today, he realizes. Jisung helping him to his room is really the last thing he needs since experience has taught him that stoned Jisung is even clingier than sober Jisung and really, Changbin’s dick doesn’t have the strength to deal with that right now.

"I'm okay, Sungie." He shifts his hands on Hyunjin's waist, trying to get him more upright. "I'm not nearly drunk enough to not get these assholes to bed."

"How do you know them?" asks Minho. Changbin startles a bit; he always forgets Minho is like him. Minho also lived a large part of his childhood in Korea before immigrating. So the perfect Korean takes Changbin off guard. Changbin glances at Hyunjin. His drunk charge is still enraptured with his boyfriend and looking sleepier by the second.

"He's my dongsaeng. From Seoul." Changbin can't read the expression on Minho's face. The smirk is still there but there's none of the usual mischief. Almost like he doesn't trust Changbin.

"He certainly looks like one," Minho remarks blandly. Jisung whines and kicks at Minho's feet.

"Can you stop talking in Korean? You know I can't even talk to toddlers." Jisung shoves at Minho and pouts at Changbin. Changbin melts a little, ready to just drop Hyunjin so he can pat Jisung’s cheeks.

“Sorry, Sungie,” Minho says with a smile, pinching one of those adorable cheeks. Changbin seethes with envy. “Changbin, are your friends staying with you in your room?”

“No.” Changbin narrows his eyes. He really doesn’t understand Minho. “Hyunjin has his own room. He’s here for the festival too.”

“Guess it takes all kinds,” Minho mutters, moving closer to Changbin and his charges. “I’ll take them to Hyunjin’s room if you want.”

“What?” Changbin stands a bit dumbfounded and even Hyunjin stops stroking Jeongin’s head long enough to give him a sidelong glance. “I can take them--”

Hyunjin pulls away from Changbin and drags Jeongin along with him. Jeongin is half-asleep already and is easily maneuvered regardless. “No! I’ll go with this short hyung. We’re in room 402, hyung.”

“I’m not short,” Minho says, but there’s no anger or heat to it. “Let the disasters make it back to their rooms on their own.”

Minho leads Hyunjin and Jeongin away, Hyunjin throwing a delicate wave over his shoulder. Changbin glares, hoping Jeongin throws up on Hyunjin’s dick. Jisung tugs on Changbin’s hand and when he meets Jisung’s eyes, his knees go weak. He’s giving Changbin large, happy eyes with a slight pout on his lips. Changbin swallows and starts to walk away. Jisung still pulls on his hand.

“Who are those two?” asks Jisung. He nods towards Minho’s retreating back who has a Hyunjin hanging off him. It’s comical how Hyunjin holds Jeongin close and hobbles them both while Minho clearly tries to keep space between himself and them. “You guys seemed… close.”

Changbin snorts and shakes his head. “Hyunjin is my dumbass friend from when I was living in Korea. Jeongin is an engineering whiz who somehow got involved with ulzzangs and the underground music scene.” Changbin knows he’s smiling because he can hear Jisung make a small sound. “They’re disgusting and I love them very dearly.”

“Aww,” Jisung coos and grabs onto Changbin’s arm. He grins so wide and Changbin blinks against fondness that swells in his chest. “I’m glad Binnie had friends while away.”

“You make it sound like I was on vacation or some shit.” Changbin pulls out another cigarette; at this rate he’ll be a full-on smoker again before they even make it to LA. Jisung bats it away and instead hands him a joint. This, he already knows, is a mistake. He takes the joint and lighter anyway.

“I dunno, it could have been.” Jisung watches transfixed as he puts the joint between his lips and Changbin preens a bit. “Want me to light it for you?”

“You coming onto me, Han Jisung?” Changbin teases, but leans in to let Jisung light the joint anyway. The blush on Jisung’s cheeks has to be a trick of the lighting.

“So what if I am?” Jisung pulls away from Changbin, but keeps a hand around his forearm. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

“No,” Changbin says slowly, sucking in a long drag at the same time. “I suppose it wouldn’t be.”

"What were you doing in Seoul after the army?" Jisung’s talking sloppy. His mouth doesn't quite match up with his tongue. It's kind of an odd thing to notice but Changbin thinks it's cute. "Chan did the solo thing and I went back to school, but you never really said anything about what you were up to."

Changbin can read between the lines:  _ You disappeared and I don’t know how to find out what happened. _

"I did a lot of things," he replies. He offers the joint to Jisung who shakes his head. "Mostly music, but worked lots of part time gigs. Nothing impressive."

Jisung hums and hugs Changbin’s free arm close like a lifeline. "You must've been busy. Did you ever visit your family in Seattle?"

Changbin laughs and shrugs. "No, cause they didn't want me to, remember? Why are you so curious anyway? It was really boring, but I liked my life there."

"I dunno. Can't I be curious about what kept my childhood best friend away for a decade?" Jisung moves away and laughs but it lacks the usual brightness. "I had a bet with Kookie that you secretly got married. Kinda glad I lost that one."

Changbin puts the cashed joint out and snorts. He doesn’t mention how close to winning Jisung had been. "Seriously, I just had a good job and needed--"  _ to get over you and Chan-- _ "a change of scenery. Seoul's a cool city."

Jisung wrinkles his nose but follows as Changbin finally walks towards the hotel entrance. "I just remember it smelled really bad. Like sewage."

Changbin full on laughs at that. "Yeah, that hasn't changed much. It’s better now, but it definitely still smells like piss in some areas." 

Jisung searches his face. Whatever he sees there doesn't seem to satisfy him but he doesn't press, opting to instead mutter something about Changbin keeping his secrets, as if he was Frodo and Changbin was Gandalf.

Jisung’s hand looped through his arm is so  _ right _ and familiar. There’s a sharp pang in his chest as he thinks about dodging glares from his family while pressed close to the too loud Jisung as kids. His dad always said Jisung would get him into trouble one day. Changbin bumps his shoulder against Jisung’s, reminding himself that he's still there.

It doesn't take long for them to make it to Changbin's room and he's already mourning the loss of Jisung’s clingy warmth and soft chattering. But Jisung doesn't leave once Changbin gets his door open. "Uhm. Shouldn't you head back to yours and Minho's room?"

"Can't I stay longer? I wanna cuddle and Minho takes too much convincing." Jisung has already walked over to the bed and is flopping down on it.

"What makes you think I'll be any easier to convince?" Changbin walks over to his suitcase and starts taking off his outfit. Jisung’s seen him in much more scandalous situations, stripping down to his boxers is nothing big. But he hears a sharp intake of breath when Changbin pulls his jeans down.

"When'd you get  _ that?" _ breathes Jisung. It takes a moment for Changbin to realize he means the tattoo on his upper thigh, covering one of his more gnarly scars from an accident he was in during enlistment.

"Probably three years ago now?"

"No, I mean the scar, Changbin." Jisung looks serious, hand hovering over the raised skin. The artist had done an incredible job. She incorporated the scar into the dragon's spine and the sword piercing its side. "Holy shit, was this from that accident?"

Changbin nods and walks to the bathroom. He needs to wash up. Maybe if he ignores Jisung he'll give up on his mission to cuddle. He's methodical, wiping down his arms, his body, then finally his face. At some point Jisung comes over and watches. It's dangerously domestic. "Like what you see?"

"Always have," Jisung responds without a second of hesitation. They both end up blushing. "You're not gonna tell me about the scar, are you?"

Changbin grunts around his toothbrush.

"Would you tell Chan?" Jisung’s voice is small. Changbin glances at him through the mirror and sees doubt there. An emotion Changbin never wants to see on any of his friends' faces, especially on Jisung’s face.

He spits out the toothpaste and finishes rinsing himself off. "Chan doesn't know either." He grabs a towel and heads back into the main room and digs around for his pajamas. "I kinda forget it's there now. It happened while I was enlisted and it was just a stupid mistake on my part. Misjudged the distance during a drill and came down on a fence."

"What the fuck, you were  _ stabbed _ by a  _ fence?" _

"I told you it was stupid!" Changbin laughs and sits down on the bed, pulling his sleep shirt on. "I think you knew I had an accident and now you know what it was."

"I can't believe you fell on a  _ fence." _ Jisung sits down and immediately clings onto him. Changbin just accepts Jisung will be cuddling him tonight. "That's something  _ I _ would do."

"Yeah, well. We all have our moments."

"Honestly I thought it was from that other accident. You know, the one where--"

"Nah, no long term problems from that one." Changbin flexes his hands. They're stiff, but they don't actively hurt. He should be fine to play the day after. "Sungie, I need to sleep. I promised I'd help Hyunjinnie tomorrow and it's like. Almost 4 am."

Jisung whines a bit but lets Changbin go. "Man, we're old now aren't we? We used to be able to stay up all night and play a gig the next day no problem."

"That's what growing up does," is all he can muster in response. They stare at each other for a minute, Changbin trying to figure out if he should ask Jisung to leave. But then Jisung blinks sleepily, barely able to keep his eyes open and any remaining resolve cracks. “Let’s go to sleep, Sungie.”

Jisung quickly burrows under the covers and drags Changbin to his chest. Changbin snorts and settles against Jisung, pulling him close. He whispers into Jisung’s hair, “Minho’s okay with this?”

Jisung hums some kind of assent and mutters something about missing Changbin. They fall asleep like that and Changbin tries not to wallow in the nostalgia. He closes his eyes and breathes in. Jisung doesn’t smell the same, doesn’t feel the same as when they were younger. He’s got more muscle and he discovered cologne and decent deodorant. Right now Jisung smells like weed and a long day and Changbin feels so, so ridiculously endeared by the small snuffling Jisung is making as he falls asleep.

Changbin dreams of a memory:

> _ Jisung leans back against his chest as Chan brackets them in between his arms. There’s one of the softest expressions Changbin has ever seen on Chan’s face. First, he kisses Jisung. Second, he kisses Changbin. Changbin pulls Chan on top of his legs so they sandwich Jisung.  _
> 
> _ “Congrats,” Jisung giggles, “we made it.” _
> 
> _ They all burst into laughter, falling into a tangle of limbs, hands searching for each other, mouths pressing into any skin they can find. _

Changbin wakes up to an alarm blaring. It isn’t his, because he simply just does not fuck with alarms. The blankets are gone and there’s light snoring coming from his right. Now that he’s more awake he realizes his entire right side is numb. Jisung has always been a more aggressive cuddler than Chan and when allowed to cuddle as he pleases, he completely entangles himself. One leg has Changbin’s in a death grip straight out of jiu jitsu and he lays completely on top of Changbin’s right arm. Jisung flops around a little, looking for the source of the sound, grumbling the entire time.

“Where the fuck are you, you fucking thing,” mutters the very sleep rumpled Jisung. “I will fucking throw you across the god damn shitting room.”

“Such language so early in the morning.” Changbin groans and flops towards the sound. The phone is on the ground. Changbin considers throwing Jisung off the bed, brain stuttering on the image of just manhandling his childhood friend on top of him. He shimmies Jisung off of him instead. “Turn off your damn phone.”

Instead of getting off the bed like a normal person, Jisung rolls over Changbin. He pauses when he’s directly over the drummer, grins his stupid heart-shaped grin, and places a delicate kiss on Changbin’s nose. Changbin feels very warm all over and he yells in his surprise. Jisung cackles and finishes rolling himself away. The alarm stops blaring, but Changbin’s ears are ringing. Fuck Jisung. Clingy bastard. 

“Oh shit!” Jisung scrambles back to his feet, staring at his phone. “Oh my god, I’m such a moron. I have to go--”

“What’s up?” Changbin asks, slowly bringing himself into a sitting position. “You forget you’re meeting Minho’s parents or something?”

Jisung waves at Changbin, shaking his head, “No, I met them years ago. They love me more than him.” His fingers fly over his phone as he continues speaking, “I agreed to get brunch with some old friends who are here too. I’m gonna be late at this rate.”

“Oh.” Changbin wonders what old friends they are. He knows all of Jisung’s friends. He can’t imagine who would be here that wouldn’t have also contacted him. He pushes the thought that their long-time producer and his cohort might be here away. He doesn’t want to consider running into Yoongi this weekend. “I guess you better get going.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Jisung stumbles as he puts on his shoes. Changbin pinches the bridge of his nose and pulls Jisung back onto the bed so he won’t break his nose again because of his own clumsiness. He freezes and turns to Changbin. “Do you wanna join? You know them.”

Changbin narrows his eyes. “I know them, they know we’re performing here, but they didn’t contact me.”

Jisung flushes. He clearly realizes what it looks like if they didn’t also contact Changbin. “I mean--Well, it’s been a while so--”

Changbin sighs and drags himself out of bed. It’s close to 10 and if he remembers correctly Hyunjin’s set is in a few hours. He grabs his phone from where it’s charging and scrolls through his messages. Jisung finishes getting dressed and shifts from side to side, watching Changbin. Finally, he says, “Binnie, I’m sure it’d be fine and wouldn’t it be nice? To--I dunno, to see some people you haven’t seen in forever?”

Changbin is about to respond,  _ maybe, depending on if it’s someone who lowkey wants to punch me, _ but is interrupted by frantic knocking at the hotel room. In his most panicked voice, Hyunjin yells, “Hyung, are you ready? I overslept, I need help, I don’t know what to wear, please I need help!”

Jisung blinks at the door, clearly confused by the rapid Korean pouring through it. Changbin rubs his temples, wishing for the self-restraint to not throttle Hyunjin. He swings the door open and Hyunjin, already in skinny jeans and a black muscle tee, long hair pulled into a bun standing there looking like a lost puppy. His eyes are red-rimmed, probably from being hungover and probably crying to Jeongin about his outfits.

“Do you need to yell? Someone’s going to complain,” is all Changbin says. He feels Jisung approach and knows when Hyunjin processes who exactly Jisung is. His eyes widen comically and look back and forth between Changbin and Jisung, not so subtly checking Jisung’s neck. Changbin glares.

“Uhm,” Jisung starts, “I’m… gonna go? I should shower? Uh, good luck?”

Changbin and Hyunjin nod as Jisung makes his way down the hall to the elevator. Changbin looks Hyunjin over again and asks, “Why are you asking me for fashion advice? This outfit’s fine.”

Hyunjin makes a wounded sound and gestures at himself. “How is this  _ fine? _ I look like every other half-assed fake metalhead I’ve seen wandering around here.”

_ “ _ You  _ are _ a half-assed fake metalhead, you dumbass,” Changbin groans. “No one expects you to be dressed like you’re in a metal band.  _ I _ don’t even dress like a metalhead. Besides.” Changbin pushes Hyunjin out of his room, grabbing his bag on the way out. “There’s no one way to be a metalhead.”

“But I wanna look  _ cool, _ hyung.” 

Changbin sighs. “Hyunjin, you’re one of the coolest people I know, please stop fucking worrying about what some fans are gonna think of your outfit. I’ll be there and it’ll be fine.”

They arrive at the venue with plenty of time before their soundcheck. The soundcheck is fast; it only takes about 15 minutes since they can’t do a full run down like at a regular concert. Jeongin joins them not long after they finish. Changbin decides to sit in Hyunjin’s makeshift green room, mostly half asleep in the early fall sun. 

“You’re gonna get burned if you don’t move,” comes a familiar deep voice. Changbin peeks out from beneath his snapback and is greeted by Felix’s big grin. He’s in a low cut shirt, fully showing off his tattoos for once. Changbin can’t help but return the smile.

“Ah, but you see I have a hat.” Changbin sits up straight, wiggling a bit to wake up his ass and thighs from how he’d been slouching. “How’d you know where I was?”

Felix shrugs and gestures towards where Hyunjin and Jeongin are chatting. “I honestly came to watch HJ’s set and then spotted you snoozing. Are you supposed to be here?”

“Wait. You like Hyunjin’s music? You  _ know _ Hyunjin’s music?” Changbin fails to keep the surprise from his voice. He knows Felix probably has the most varied taste out of the current crew, but he never expected it’d be so diverse that he’d know  _ Hyunjin. _ “Kinda obscure taste you got there.”

“Uh, duh. He went viral within the metal community by sampling one of 3racha’s songs.” Felix gives Changbin an unimpressed stare. “How did you not know that?” Changbin definitely knew that. He was the one who told Hyunjin to sample it. “Wait, you were talking like you’re, what,  _ friends? _ With HJ?”

“Uhh,” is the extremely intelligent response Changbin gives. Fuck it, Minho and Jisung know him and Hyunjin are good friends already and it’s not  _ exactly _ damning for people to know that Changbin’s friends with Hyunjin. It’d probably make sense even. “Yeah. We’re friends.”

“Holy shit,” Felix exclaims, eyes sparkling. “You met in Korea then? Right? Wow that’s insane, mate. How’d you even meet? Like, I don’t really know how your circles could intersect.”

_ “Hyung.” _ Hyunjin shifts from foot to foot next to Changbin. His eyes are wide and Changbin hasn’t seen him this nervous since Hyunjin was at a festival and met both Dean and DPR Live at the same time. Jeongin has his hand on the small of Hyunjin’s back. Changbin stands up. “Hyung, it’s almost time.”

“You’re gonna be fine, Jinnie,” soothes Changbin. He glances at Felix, swapping to Korean, hoping that Felix’s Korean is as good as Jisung’s. “You’ve done shows like this before. Besides, this time I’m performing with you. Also apparently Felix is a fan so maybe later, can you like, do your thing?”

Hyunjin nods, eyes still a little panicked. Changbin sighs and decides to be the good hyung, wrapping an arm around him. He walks them over to the staff by the stage entrance where Hyunjin’s DJ and manager are waiting. Jackson grins at Changbin and pulls him into a big hug while JB just shakes his hand. Changbin has always admired them and he’s glad they took the chance on Hyunjin all those years ago. JB gently pulls his charge from Changbin, muttering his version of a pep talk to Hyunjin as the roadies get his mic and in-ears fully hooked up. Another roadie comes over to Changbin and helps him out as well. When he glances over to Felix, he sees the confusion clear as anything on his former fuck buddy’s face. Changbin pulls his hat down over his face more and pulls on his giant sunglasses to help further disguise him. Felix walks over and raises an eyebrow. “So why’re you kitted up?”

Changbin watches as Jackson and JB run on stage before Hyunjin. He listens to the opening notes of the very first song he ever produced start up. Hyunjin comes over and squeezes his arm once before he screams into his mic as he runs on stage. Changbin turns back to Felix and shrugs. “I’m gonna join him on a couple songs.”

Felix looks at Changbin like he’s grown another head. “There’s no drumkit.”

“I didn’t say I was going to be  _ drumming, _ nerd.” Changbin bumps against Felix and watches Hyunjin find his feet. The crowd reacts as he starts out with a slower rap that quickly turns harsh and fast. Hyunjin leaps and jumps across the stage, getting the crowd even more worked up. There’s more than a few fansites at the barrier, but there’s still a fair amount of regular fans in the crowd. Changbin grins as he sees a few people move to make a circle pit as Hyunjin’s next song starts. Changbin ticks off the songs he has left before he joins Hyunjin. It’s not many.

Changbin steps onstage, not as the drummer from 3racha, but as SpearB. He hasn't done this in a long, long time but when Hyunjin introduces him and it's time to get on stage, it feels right.

It's funny to see metalheads enjoying Hyunjin's particular brand of hip hop. The first syllables almost never make it out his lips because of it, but Changbin recovers. He’s nothing if not a goddamn fucking professional, afterall. And kinda like being a drummer, being a rapper comes back easily and he finds his flow easily enough. Hyunjin hypes him up, echoing the syllables like a fanchant.

The crowd cheers, of course. They’re fans of Hyunjin and this song is objectively his most successful song. They whoop and yell and then everything doubles when they realize exactly  _ who _ SpearB is. Even with a hat pulled low and big sunglasses, his tattoos are well known. He throws off his hat and crouches low to the stage. He gets in one of the people at the barrier's face as they scream and film. Changbin backs up to meet with Hyunjin, rapping their parts together and swapping lines like it's second nature. Changbin remembers what it was like writing this song for Hyunjin. They both knew it would be something special, but being here and now, with all these people who definitely don't know Korean, the full reality of that slams Changbin in the face. 

The song ends in a moment and the next song on the list also features him. Hyunjin told him he doesn't need to stay on stage until his verse, but Changbin doesn't want to leave. This song isn't as popular, but there's a few people in the crowd who clearly know it. When it's time for his verse the cheers start back up again, almost as loud as before. It's nice to know that those cheers are specifically for him.

He leaves after that song. Changbin only agreed to two songs tops, and he does not want to do more. SpearB is no longer a mystery to people outside the Korean underground scene. It's a little disappointing for Changbin; he's leaving behind a part of his life almost as important as 3racha. One of the stage hands gives him a bottle of water while another of the roadies helps him with his mic. Felix walks over with a grin and pulls him into a massive hug.

"What the fuck,  _ you’re _ SpearB? I genuinely did not expect that." Felix keeps an arm around Changbin's shoulder. "That was fucking ace, I literally cannot wrap my mind around that."

Changbin laughs and shakes his head. Felix chats easily next to him relating every detail of his performance he found awesome. Changbin preens at the praise, always keeping an eye on the stage, watching how Hyunjin commands the crowd. Felix points out how well Hyunjin is doing, Changbin offering his own opinion and observations on how he’s improved since he first started rapping. Ten years is a long time, but it’s rare that someone can keep improving the way Hyunjin has and there’s a swell of pride in Changbin’s chest.

Out of the corner of his eye, Changbin spots a familiar tall figure. His stomach sinks to his feet and he grabs Felix and makes their way into the backstage area. People give Changbin looks of awe or distaste. And ah, right, that was why Changbin guarded his identity so closely. Felix doesn’t comment, just continues to walk beside Changbin. He knows not to say anything until later and Changbin is once again grateful that Felix can read him so well. 

He thinks he’s home free, that he hadn’t been spotted, but then he hears a voice he  _ really _ hoped not to hear until after the tour.

“Seo Changbin, what the fuck was that?”

Changbin winces and turns to his long term mentor and begrudging friend. “Uh, sup, Yoongi hyung. Didn’t think I’d be seeing you until after the tour.”

Yoongi glowers and stalks over to Changbin and smacks him. "You fucking announced to the  _ world _ that you're SpearB and you didn't have the decency to give me a heads up."

"It was last minute," replies Changbin. He rubs the spot where Yoongi smacked him and moves away from the middle of the walkway. Felix is a respectful distance away and is definitely giving him worried looks. "We met up yesterday. He asked and I said sure. I didn't really mean to lose my hat but wind. She's a fickle bitch."

"The only wind that blew your hat off is the wind coming from your ass." There's the sound of shuffling on the other end of the line before the slam of a door. " _ You--" _ the way Yoongi says that one word gives Changbin a very distinct feeling of dread, "--and I are going to have a talk. I don't know what you're doing but I don't like it."

"What the fuck, I'm 32 and you're not my mom."

"Your mom  _ loves _ me which proves that she has better taste than you." Yoongi sighs and Changbin knows all the fight has gone out of him. Yoongi shakes his head and finally gives Changbin a proper greeting. “We are seriously having a talk. Chris already called me and knowing the fucking disaster the three of you are, he definitely hasn’t run it by y’all.”

A chill runs down Changbin’s back. “He has your number?”

Yoongi looks unimpressed. “Yes, he has my fucking number. Are you just forgetting who taught you how to produce? Who Hyunjin is fucking related to?”

“I mean.” Changbin doesn’t actually know where he’s trying to go with this sentence so he just shuts up. Hyungwon was watching his younger cousin, like of  _ course _ he would, but seeing Hyungwon doesn’t always mean that Yoongi’s far behind, maybe Hoseok or Minhyuk, but. Changbin really does not want to deal with this right now. “Do we  _ have _ to talk? Can’t we just pretend there’s nothing important to talk about?”

“I really don’t think that’s an option, Changbin,” Yoongi says with a sigh. “I’m guessing you know that you have a crew meeting in an hour? We can talk after that.”

**Author's Note:**

> big thanks to [Beta_babelfish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/beta_babelfish/pseuds/beta_babelfish) for betaing this chap and making sure i didnt post this until i had the 2nd chap mostly done LOL
> 
> also hap bday dumplin lul
> 
> come yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/somosins)


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